Satire on deer culling in Oshkosh

[Eye on Oshkosh co-host, Dan Rylance, recently submitted a letter to the editor of the Oshkosh Northwestern for publication on the recent deer culling in Oshkosh. It was published earlier this week, but had been edited, as letters to the editor often are. So that you can truly appreciate the entire letter, we are pleased to publish it in its entirety here.]

Deer Celebrate Culling Closure:

Most residents of Oshkosh busied themselves last Sunday evening blowing or shoveling snow. The weekend was a nasty reminder that March had roared in like a lion. All shovelers hoped that March would leave like a lamb.

The deer in Vulcan Quarry could have cared less. They hosted a party to celebrate life because the city, after much debate, had placed a hold on the program to cull some of the herd.

The exact number of deer present was unclear. One doe admitted that animal supporters always low balled the number to stop the culling while those who supported it always exaggerated the numbers.

Roger Reindeer, a native of Finland, and a direct descendant of Rudolph, was the main speaker. He had flown a long way to award the Deer Amnesty International Award to Councilman Tony Palmeri. Roger Reindeer noted that all the animals in his country especially appreciated Palmeri's lengthy crusade to save the Vulcan Quarry deer.

Palmeri was visibly shaken with emotion as he filed by all his deer supporters to accept the award. He accepted it with grace but declined to speak. Not one word! His silence surprised every deer.

Roger also complimented, Amy Haberkorn, for her homemade brew. He noted that it was becoming a very popular drink in his country while the sales of Russian vodka plummeted.

A spokesperson for "Mother's to Save the Easter Bunny" also addressed the deer. With tears in her eyes, she told the herd how proud she was of them for hiding during the culling nights. She did, however, express concern about what she called the illegal trapping of rabbits especially in the Bismarck and Adams neighborhoods.

Bob Poeschl, a would be candidate for the Common Council and a life-long supporter of Palmeri, handed out free carmel corn. He promised those present that, if elected, he would work overtime (if he had the time) to make sure that there would never be another deer shot in Oshkosh.

Fortunately, no media were present at the event. A spokesperson, however, for the NRA declined to comment.

Roger admonished the herd to lighten up on eating the shrubs as spring would bring more tasty delights.

Dan Rylance
Oshkosh